Sunday 22 June 2014

gave up before i got to start


my health has gotten worse.... my depression is back to REALLY bad and the doctors put me in for emergency tests tomorrow and been moved forward to see a specialist in 4 weeks... public wait would have been 2 years and private wait 14 months but apparently hes so worried he pulled major strings.

When your doctor tells you to rest and rings up all these tests... yeah doesnt make you feel too good.

I have sent an email to 12WBT to cancel my membership because I honestly cant put the motivation needed into it. I failed before i began and that destroys me.

The normal side of me wants to do 12WBT so badly, its all i want! But unfortunatly having the curse of depression plus whatever the fk this is ontop of it... gah

i will write more when i know more.

Im just glad i didnt tell my friends i was doing this, they would just shake their heads and see me as a failure yet again. Mum understands and agrees i should postpone it untill these crappy tests are done. One task at a time. But i still would give anything to be able to continue...

x tiff

Saturday 14 June 2014

Black cat kindu day

eh depression... 

with the new diagnosis of tourettes i have had to change my medications, which means coming off my anti depressants. well i can feel myself going down hill, im very negative and grumpy today...irritable... generally just a cow.

My face is 'droopy' and it feels like effort to attempt to look happy or smile. Today i moved alot of my stuff out a room i will be using for exercise, but didnt get around to making my weekly planner... today is a struggle, i dont know how tomorrow will be but im TRYING to look forward and stay positive. I havent gone for a walk or exercise but didnt binge either

Hopefully with the next rise in dosage from my new medications it will stop these low points.. i REALLY hope it stops them.. i have been so excited for 12WBT i do not want my issues getting in the way of my goal.... i will get through

tomorrow is a new day


Friday 13 June 2014

mini win

MINI WIN!!! Was given chocolate and didn't want to eat it, had one square and didn't activate the sweet tooth at all!!!!

kitty smiles

Something to make you smile...

                     ...some of the kitties my mission saved and homed <3
























Thursday 12 June 2014

Purrrrrsonal WIN!


ok so this is going to sound totally lame but im so proud of myself! 

8 weeks ago i was at the doctors and was weighed in at 108kg. I changed a little bit, cut down soft drink and ate less crap food.

Well, we had to weigh ourselves for the start of 12WBT...101KG =)------------------------------------------------------------------------------ PERSONAL WIN! ------------------------------------7kg down with not alot of work, im happy with that.

Im so excited for the next 12-14 weeks, even if i only lose 5-10 kg its a win, this is lifestyle change not a diet, it will take time but im going to get SEXY!


2009 when i was a star... lol

spazzy cat!


FECK! Tourettes sucks!

i have a vocal tic and a few complex motor tics... i thought id make a video of what it looks like

vocal tic
- sniffing... how gross! there is no reason to sniff, it just happens

motor tics
- i have a few, most are down the right side of my body. the facial tics are the most obvious, my head turns to one size, my eyes go to the side, they also blink heaps or close completely.
-my right arm tics constantly, the muscles contract  and force my arm up. My fingers curl and spasm. (i call this a dinosaur tic because i feel like i look like one lol RAWRRRRRRRR)
-my back muscles  tense and my shoulder clicks
- the calf muscle tenses and gets painful 'knots'
-my joints constantly crack and pop
It ALWAYS hurts....

heres a video of a 'mild' tic attack, when they get bad i double over in pain, when they are good its mainly slight trembles and movements



how i feel when i tic....


For more info on tourettes head to:
http://www.tourette.org.au/



kitten to fat cat - WHY THE HELL DID I MAKE A BLOG


Why have i made a blog? well... im a fat cat.

Pudgy, round and hissy.

I have decided i want to get back to being a sexy, skinny lil' kitty! I have had a really tough past few years, coming from a not so simple childhood. But getting a diagnosis such as tourettes? I decided nope, not doing this 'hard life' thing anymore! 

SO, i am flipping my life on its head, what have i got to lose? (weight, lol) I have started a life style change starting with Michelle Bridges 12 week body transformation, I have decided to be more selfish and take the next few months and really get my shit together.
when i was a sexy 65-70 kg
yucky 85 kg
100 kg and GROSS @ my 22nd bday



Ok, so on the VERY SLIM chance anyone will ACTUALLY read this, im going to give a quick summery of me!

I am 22 and live in South Australia. I have fit a lot into my 22 years, I have been a Teaching assistant, manager at a supermarket, Silver service waitress, barista, bar worker, uni student and owner of a non-for profit animal mission. I was a healthy 65kg at 5ft 8 at highschool but bad self image and bullying has me at 108kgs. Depression, dyslexia, anxiety, OCD and tourettes syndrome haunt me.
 
last day of year 12 = 65-70kg
Growing up life wasn’t handed to me on a silver platter, I had Dyslexia to the point my school teachers would tell me ‘don’t worry you wont even make it to high school’. I had to watch my siblings struggle with Asperger’s, ADHD and autism. My mum broke her neck while working as a nurse. My dad was an up and coming Olympic hopeful who was hit by a car and career destroyed.

But we got through all of that, I proved primary school teachers wrong and got an academic scholarship to high school. More family stuff went on, and I got picked on at school… yay… I tended to attract the ‘users’. I was VERY unlucky with friends through high school, guess that happens when you’re a poor kid at a rich school.

School finished and I got a serious boyfriend. I started work as a teaching assistant while juggling a visual arts degree as well as being a checkout chick at a supermarket. The boyfriend was a douchebag, really picked on me about looks, weight and future. Later after we were over I found out this was all while dating other girls for the 9 months we dated – a real keeper!
 
at his 21st - hes a wanker
Things started to run a bit smoother for a few months and I made the leap to move out of home (YAY). But things didn’t stay good for too long. My work promoted me to a supervisor role at the checkouts, that’s when the bullying started! 
look i used to have a jawbone! photo before work @ large supermarket

MY GOD! How 40- 50 year old women can bully a 20 year old girl!!! Ruthless old cows, even got physically assaulted and one of the husbands stole my car and took the engine out!!!!!!! NOT EVEN JOKING! Police got involved and the bullying and rumours got worse at work. I quit my teaching assistant job as depression and anxiety took hold. ANNNNND the weight piled on.

I attempted suicide.

I ended up having to leave work all together.

I got in a bad accident and had to have surgery on both my hands, 3 weeks in hospital and months in physio to regain movement and control in all fingers. Yeah this happened in final year of my degree… while I was in hospital someone stole all my final years work and journals. I couldn’t graduate.



some of the stolen work

before, during after surgery

 












My landlord wanted to up the rent and without working I moved back home. Yeah not ideal as I used to share a room with my sister and now her boyfriend had moved in…. so Tiff gets the couch!

As a way to get my mental health better I opened my own animal mission where I planned to help sick street kitties and incorporate TNR in SA. I had already been doing rescue for a few years on a small scale. It Boomed, people loved FINALLY having an honest and down to earth animal advocate on their level. My mission became very popular and word spread, everyone wanted to adopt from me.



some of the kitties i saved


My parents changed the lounge room into a bedroom! Yay have a bed!

The rescue helped my depression, it gave me something low stress to focus on. That was until 2014 when I spoke up against a ‘hot topic’ of free animals. That’s when a big organisation set out to close the mission.

During the abuse I copped from this organisation, my depression and anxiety took over completely, with this came tics.

Whenever I was stressed I would get tics but the doctors put it down to not knowing calming techniques. Nope, finally got the real diagnosis in June 2014, I have tourettes syndrome.

SO… I was absorbing all these realisations, all my failures in life, all my negative roads I took, I looked at all the people who used and abused me… there was 2 options – suicide or change.

I chose to take control over my life and make a change, FUCK THE PAST im taking control of my future. Im starting with weight loss, then im going back to uni and work and I AM going to buy a house. I have great friends now, over the last year I found people who are genuinely nice! Holy cow!

from some amazing friends after getting my diagnosis  <3


SO that’s my life in a nutshell, there’s a lot I left out but you get the general idea of the shitty cards I got dealt. But im going to deal my own cards now, im taking control!

This blog will serve as a reminder to me, where I have come from and where I want to be.

time to get fit!